Not long after the start of my relationship with Tony I knew what was going on. Not the whole horrid sordid picture but I was aware that this wasn't a normal relationship. I have since seen the light. I was actually horrified when I did significant reading around the subject of domestic abuse just how much of our relationship / Tonys behaviour were traits of domestic abuse.
One area that I still have a pretty major issue in acknowledging, or giving its real label, is rape. I know it’s a very strong word and even more emotive. This is something that has taken a very long time for me accept. When is it rape?
Well according to all the experts that I have read or spoken to significantly more than most of us realise.
The number of times I said no. Initially while he wasn’t happy, he would accept that no meant no. That didn’t last very long. He was incredibly persistent. What I should also probably mention is that at this time Tony had a pretty serious cocaine addiction. He claimed it was purely recreational but well we'll agree to disagree.
The cocaine only sufficed to fuel any sexual desires that he had, and under its influence he refused to take no for an answer. Now strangely despite saying no I never actually got hit for doing so. However, he would just persist in pursuing his wants. He regularly forced himself on me, overpowering me.
I am to this day two years on still embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t do more to stop him. The problem I had was fear pure unadulterated fear. I was waiting for the punch to land. While I didn’t cooperate nor did I fight.
He repulsed me. I hated him. It wasn't enough for me to just give in and let him have his way there were expectations on me to perform. Some of the things expected of me were outside my comfort zone which only succeeded in adding to the mental anguish, and giving him yet more control.
So was I, was I raped? I'm told so.......